The Angry Wife

An angry wife to her husband on the phone: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and begged me to buy it?"

Wife, breathlessly, anger subsiding: "I remember."

"I didn't have money that time, but I said, "Baby, it'll be yours one

day. I promise!"

Wife, with a smile, blushing, heart pounding: "Oh yes, I remember that, my love."

Husband: "I'm in the bar next to that shop. Beer's cold!"

The Maid Who Knew the Score

The maid goes into the drawing room, and approaches the lady of the house. "Madame, I beg jur pardon," she says to the lady, "but I tink it time fer me to haf a race!"

"My goodness, Maria," says the lady of the house. "What is it that makes you think you should have a raise?"

"Vell," says Maria, "I tink I am better dan jou at ironing, folding the clothes and putting them away."

"What in the world makes you think that, Maria?" asks the lady of the house. "Besides, it's your job. Not mine."

"Vell, jou husband say dat," answers Maria.

"Hmmmm," says the lady of the house, somewhat perturbed, lips pursed. "And, what else makes you think you deserve a raise?"

"Vell," says Maria, "I tink I am much better dan jou at cooking!"

"Is that so? When I have to, I think I cook very well."

The maid shook her head.

"And how did you arrive at this conclusion?" asks the lady of the house, staring at her maid, obviously upset at the conversation.

"Vell, jou husband say dat," replies Maria.

"OK, OK! Any more reasons why you think you should get a raise?" asks the lady of the house, clenching her fists.

"Vell," says Maria quietly. Leaning towards the lady of the house, she whispers into her ear, "I tink I am better dan jou in de bed!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?" says the lady of the house with a raised voice, chin lifted.

"Oh no, no, Madame," says Maria. "Dat vas de gartner who say dat. And—"

"Never mind, dear. How big a raise do you want?"

The Thief and the Parrot

Late one night, a thief broke into a house that he thought was empty. He stealthily crept through the lounge and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying," Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice rang out again.

The thief stopped dead again. He was frightened out of his wits. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Moses," said the bird.

"That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Moses?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller behind you Jesus."

Hell To Get Old

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought—but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought—but you are also wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS—but I was wrong, too!"

Dating in 1960

    

   

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a first date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house promptly and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother gushed as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said.

Mom brought the iced tea. "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked, clasping her hands.

"Oh, probably catch a movie at the drive-in, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk down by the lake..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him with a smile.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, his eyebrows jumping.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw."

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother happily. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we'd let her!"

Fred gulped. "Well, thanks for the tip," he said, as he quickly began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, her blonde hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. "Hi, Fred!"

"You look beautiful," Fred said, and smiled, trying to avoid a leer.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the

house and slammed the front door behind her. "The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The damned dance is called the TWIST!"