The Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally paraded around braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, offering me a very nice view of her lovely boobs.

Her behavior had to be deliberate. Because she never did things like that when she was near anyone else. 

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and was committed to her older sister. "Just once," she repeated. "Please."

I was in total shock. I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have sex with me. You won't be disappointed." Her lips red and luscious, she blew me a kiss.

I was stunned and still frozen in shock as I watched her prance up the stairs, butt wiggling.

I stood there for a moment, deciding what to do. Then I turned and dashed straight to the front door. I opened the door and raced toward my car.

Oh Lord!

My entire future family was standing outside, all smiling and clapping.

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family, my good man."

I can't tell you how happy I was that I'd left my purchase of condoms in the glove compartment of my car.

Two Priests and a Blonde

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on a vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not

wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the

plane landed they, headed for a store and bought really outrageous

shorts, shirts, sandals, and sunglasses.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their

tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the

sunshine and the scenery, when a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a

topless bikini came strolling straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde approached them she smiled and said, "Good

morning, Father. Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each

of them individually. Then she passed strutted on by.

Her greeting stunned both priests.

How in the world did she know they were priests?

The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits that were so loud you could practically hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their

chairs on the beach to enjoy the sunshine and the view.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came sauntering toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father."

As she started to prance away, one of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and blurted, "Just a minute, young lady...!"

"Yes, Father? What is it?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

Smiling, the beautiful topless blonde fluffed her hair and replied, "Father, it's me—Sister Mary Agnes."

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the little boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinals. "Everybody's going to wet their pants," the little boy said tearfully.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' if need be to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring and feeling flushed, the teacher said, "You must be in the fifth grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."

The Angry Wife

An angry wife to her husband on the phone: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and begged me to buy it?"

Wife, breathlessly, anger subsiding: "I remember."

"I didn't have money that time, but I said, "Baby, it'll be yours one

day. I promise!"

Wife, with a smile, blushing, heart pounding: "Oh yes, I remember that, my love."

Husband: "I'm in the bar next to that shop. Beer's cold!"

The Maid Who Knew the Score

The maid goes into the drawing room, and approaches the lady of the house. "Madame, I beg jur pardon," she says to the lady, "but I tink it time fer me to haf a race!"

"My goodness, Maria," says the lady of the house. "What is it that makes you think you should have a raise?"

"Vell," says Maria, "I tink I am better dan jou at ironing, folding the clothes and putting them away."

"What in the world makes you think that, Maria?" asks the lady of the house. "Besides, it's your job. Not mine."

"Vell, jou husband say dat," answers Maria.

"Hmmmm," says the lady of the house, somewhat perturbed, lips pursed. "And, what else makes you think you deserve a raise?"

"Vell," says Maria, "I tink I am much better dan jou at cooking!"

"Is that so? When I have to, I think I cook very well."

The maid shook her head.

"And how did you arrive at this conclusion?" asks the lady of the house, staring at her maid, obviously upset at the conversation.

"Vell, jou husband say dat," replies Maria.

"OK, OK! Any more reasons why you think you should get a raise?" asks the lady of the house, clenching her fists.

"Vell," says Maria quietly. Leaning towards the lady of the house, she whispers into her ear, "I tink I am better dan jou in de bed!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?" says the lady of the house with a raised voice, chin lifted.

"Oh no, no, Madame," says Maria. "Dat vas de gartner who say dat. And—"

"Never mind, dear. How big a raise do you want?"